I seem to recall a time, before Cillian was born, when I slept. It was sometime before the third trimester of my pregnancy, when I stopped sleeping through the night because I had to pee every hour, and I was so huge that I had to use my bed frame as a crane to roll from one side to the other. This "sleep" thing is still what happens in other people's houses, the ones without babies, right?
We are so lucky to have a good sleeper with Cillian, and when he does wake up to eat in the middle of the night, he always goes back to sleep right away without a fight. The problem is my brain turns on during those nighttime feeds, and I have a hard time falling back asleep myself. I have started to ban myself from my iPhone during feeds because that makes my brain work even harder, and sometimes I find that I am still lying awake a full hour after Cillian has drifted back into a warm, milky dreamland.
I have been up for every single middle of the night feed since Cillian was born. I've never given him a bottle for those night feeds, and after guilting Chris into diaper changes while he was off over Christmas, I've even gone back to letting him sleep through the feeds and the diaper changes. There is nothing righteous or noble about this statement, quite the opposite in fact. When Cillian first came home he wouldn't latch, so I had to pump 8-12 times a day so he had something to eat. After three weeks of pumping, I was happy to break up with my pump. We could have gone the formula route, but I was certain we could teach Cillian to breastfeed (I was right) and formula is just so expensive. I'm not looking for a medal here, lots of women do it, but frig I'm tired.
So in exchange for Chris having a "daddy night out" a couple weeks ago, I have traded for him doing a night feed with a bottle of milk I pumped a couple weeks back. Sorry girlfriends, Chris had initially mentioned a trade for a girls night out, but this girl really needs a girls night in. In bed. The cat is even being kicked out for the night. This mama needs some rest.
I really hate to complain/comment on sleep deprivation because I feel so honoured to have Cillian as a son. Cue the eye rolls, I'm sure. I don't really mind waking up in the middle of the night because he's so dang cute, and I love his little milk drunk face as I lift him up to burp him. In general, we both go back to sleep after Chris leaves for work, so I don't really feel like I have it so bad, but I am still so very tired. All the time. I daydream about napping and seriously consider going to bed when Cillian goes down at 7:30pm.
Cillian slept through the night for a few weeks but instead of sleeping too, I stood by his crib assuming he must be dead. Why else would he be sleeping still? I wish I could go back in time and tell past Emily that future Emily said to use this time to catch up on sleep. He's not dead, he's just resting because he's tired too.
I know eventually I will sleep again. I have to, right? Until that time I have been trying to be realistic about my daily life. I can't do everything around the house, and look after a baby, and try and create healthy meals for myself, and meet people for play dates, and workout, when I barely sleep five hours through the night. I can't. So now I have to be choosy with my activities to keep my own sanity, and to be fair to Cillian. If we are having someone over for a play date, that is all we do all day, I don't even throw on a load of laundry. Cillian has my full attention all day, and I nap or rest during Cillian's naps. If we have a quiet day at home, just the two of us, I'll spend his naps doing housework. This method is helping to keep me from becoming rundown and giving Cillian the one on one time he deserves, who cares if my house looks "lived in".
I know it will all get better as he (sob) gets older, and more independent. That's why I am trying to cherish these moments where I am the only playmate he wants and needs. Soon he will be off running, one new adventure on the heel of the next, although I hope mommy will be invited along on these adventures too. For now the tradeoff between sleep and quality time with my son seems pretty fair to me.
But, seriously, I am going to sleep again, right? right? Bueller?
