11 months!

My darling sweet boy,

Dolly the dog, and Cillian swinging in Central Park.

You have found a best friend, and her name is Dolly the stuffed dog.  Dolly was bought for you by Nana before you were even born, and her name was originally Perky.  The name change happened during our trip to Newfoundland, when we realized she was the spitting (stuffed) image of Dolly the dog Collins.  This was also when your love affair started with her, as you had never really paid attention to her before our trip, and I only took her with us because she was closest to the bag.  Never before has a boy loved a dog as much as you love Dolly, and your dad and I delight in seeing you hug and squeeze her.  I forgot to bring her with us on Sunday (bad parenting) and when Aunt Jenny reunited the two of you that night, it was like you had been apart for 10 years and you did not find it slightly funny when Grandpa pretended to take her from you.  In fact you told him off in little baby noises.

This month has been a busy month of travel, and you have rocked a trip to Nova Scotia and Newfoundland, and a quick trip to NYC.  In two weeks you have taken six flights, which is pretty impressive for a little guy.  When you're not in an airplane, you have been taking steps.  Last week, after cruising around the furniture for what seemed like forever, you finally got the nerve to take three steps to me, and boy were you proud.  Now instead of cruising, you prefer to have us help you walk everywhere.  As promised, Grandmama bought you your first pair of Converse sneakers in NYC as a "walking present".

Your likes: Dolly is currently your whole world, but you also make time for your blocks and stacking cups.  Books have also become interesting again, and you especially like ones that have flaps or things you can touch.  Today you spent a long time looking through your book basket, examining each and every one.  Bath time with Daddy is one of your favourite times of the day, and you even let him wash your hair without protest.  The two of you play with toy after toy until it's time to get out (usually when you refuse to sit on your bum). You now refuse pureed food, which means I have to be a bit better at pre-planning meals and snacks.  Avocado, sweet potatoes and chicken are your favourites.

Your dislikes: This month you REALLY hated being confined in a stroller or carseat.  The back arched, the legs went stiff, and your head whipped back in total protest.  You do not like being strapped into things.  As soon as we get moving, you tend to be okay, but heaven forbid you have to be strapped into something that isn't physically moving.  Also you have started to have fits when something is taken away from you that you were enjoying.  I curse the day I let you play with my keys, because now I hear "uh! uh!uh! uh!" whenever you see them, and then tears when I don't give them to you.

This is my last update before you turn 1! Happy 11 months little man!!!

This is the view I tend to get through my camera these days : blurred and annoyed to be interrupted.

10 months!

My Dearest wee boy,

Happy 10 months! It feels like yesterday that I was writing your 6 month post, lamenting that you were now closer to a year than birth.  Now with less than two months until you blow out your first birthday candles, I am starting to think of you as more of a toddler than a baby.

This month you have started to do a proper hands and knees crawl, rather than your usual "army crawl", and boy does this make you much faster.  This new crawl is even cuter to witness when you are off exploring with Daddy, and happen to find me in another room.  That happy smile, and those little knees working so hard to make your way to me as quick as possible, is probably one of the cutest things ever.

Although your aggressive wave is also adorable.  Any time you see anything that might possibly be something that could wave back (ie. a painting, a tree, a dog...etc) you wave your little heart out hoping for a wave back in return.  You melt strangers hearts when they give you a smile, and they are rewarded with your enthusiastic wave.  It must be so nice to be able to communicate!

Clapping is another of your current favourites, and you must feel like you can command a room, because as soon as you clap, we all clap too.  The joy on your face as you are surrounded by people clapping is priceless.

You continue to pull up on everything, and you have stood a few times by yourself.  Sometimes when you are quickly cruising around the furniture, we joke that you forget you don't know how to walk.  I see steps in your very near future.

Please slow down!!! The only time I seem to find the "baby" Cillian is when you are nursing in the middle of the night.  When you are full and satisfied you still do the baby back arch and stretch that you did your first week home from the hospital.  It reminds me that you are still my little baby, even though you are usually too busy for daytime cuddles.

Your likes: You have started to play with stuffed animals, and sometimes I replace Sophie with a stuffed Bunny for our walks in the stroller.  You like to chew on Bunny's nose, and give him kisses.  You love your stacking cups, and have started to talk into them at mommy's prompting.  I find it hilarious every time. Teething ring Sophie is still a pal, and you still adore your blocks. You love avocado, applesauce and Whole-O's.

Your dislikes: Not much.  You don't like being contained without entertainment, but you're such a good boy you rarely fuss.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!

xoxoxox

9 months! (And 9 days)

My sweet Cillian,

You are now 9 months old! Last week was your actual 9 month birthday, and I had planned to write up your little message after dinner, but then Daddy had his little accident and we ended up in Emerg.  It was somewhat special that the hospital we ended up going to was the hospital you were born in....

This month has you on the move and you are FAST.  We have to practically run to catch up with you, and you are constantly surprising us with the things you can reach.  Just today I put your plate of food on the table at a distance I thought was out of your reach, but the plate was quickly snatched and almost turned upside down.  This old mommy needs to get a little smarter.

You surprised yourself last month by standing up, but this month your preferred view is from two feet planted firmly on the ground, one hand holding on to a couch or stool or chair leg, while the other hand waves an object in the air.  It's pretty adorable that you always bring an object on your adventures, especially when you manage to keep it with you through multiple rooms.  Daddy and I find it pretty cute when you crawl into the kitchen while one of us is cooking and peek around the corner at us before crawling to the drawers so you can pull yourself up.  We also love that you ask for help by holding out your hand to us, so we can rescue you down to a safe seated position when you've gotten yourself into a particularly tricky situation.

Giving kisses to Mommy, or to Daddy over the phone, makes us feel pretty special.  Today you even gave us short cuddles when you weren't tired.  Being a busy boy leaves no time for hugs and cuddles.

Your likes: You love your stacking cups, and never grow tired of smashing down towers, or banging two cups together.  You still love Sophie the giraffe best of all.  Bath time is always fun, and we have brought you into Aunt Jenny and Uncle Mark's pool with cousin Ben a few times and you love it. You still love the swings.  You have become a great little eater these past couple weeks, and scarf down everything put in front of you. I think you have a hollow leg, because you still nurse so much and I'm not sure where all that milk and food are going.  Possibly to your head, since it's in the 95% in growth.....

Your dislikes: You are the happiest little boy, but lately you are starting to protest when things are taken away from you before you are done with them.  Bath toys and the TV remote are two things that cause tears when they are taken from you.  You don't like being put into a crib or playpen when mommy needs to do silly things like using the bathroom, or preparing herself a meal, and you tend to stand up and holler the entire time you are confined.

Thank you for being the sweetest, kindest, little boy around.

xoxox

Mommy

Things I don't feel like I am old enough to do

Sometimes when I am performing a task, I get this sudden, strong, feeling that I am "playing house".

This list is in no particular order.

1. Stuffing and prepping my cloth diapers.  The baby living in my house is normal.  The fact that I am old enough for cloth diapers is not.

2.  Being driven by my sister-in-law Jen.  Jen is a great driver, but every time I am in a car with her it feels like we are kids driving around in her mom's car.  I think this stems from the fact I met her when she was 17.

3. Grocery shopping.  I have been doing my own grocery shopping for 11 years.  It still feels exciting to be in a grocery store.

4. Crossing the border in a car.  I feel like a kid who is leaving the country without my parent's permission.


Anyone else ever get this feeling? Or am I just an immature 31 year old?

Happy Wednesday!

8 months!

My dearest Cillian,

You are now 8 months old! I cannot believe that we are only four short months away from your first birthday. As always, time is flying way too fast.

This month we have seen a lot of Cillian "firsts". You started crawling for the first time, you slept in your nursery without mommy and daddy for the first time (we waited for you to miss us. You didn't).

You shocked me last week by pulling yourself up to standing. I saw the wheels turning as you brought your little knees in and under you, and then your wee little toes curled under your ankles and rested flat on the floor as you held on to your bouncy chair. You surprised yourself when you accidentally straightened your legs to standing, but a quick look to mommy reassured you that you would be safe.

After some troubles, you learned how to nap well this month too, and take two naps a day that last at least an hour and a half. Night time sleep has become bad again, but I think your new, evil top tooth is the culprit. We are hopeful you'll go back to longer sleeps at night soon.

Your likes: you love your blocks. They can be stacked, banged together and dragged with you on an adventure. Your favourite teether is by far the little caterpillar we have dubbed "Nubs" and you kick your legs excited whenever we help retrieve him from wherever you have left him. Sophie the giraffe is still your number one girl.

Your dislikes: having your nose/face wiped. You act like we are trying to suffocate you. You don't like being confined, unless it's in your highchair and there is food on its way.

Happy 8 months little man!!!

7 months!

Rolling around, showing off your teeth on Mother's Day

My darling Cillian,

You are now closer to a year old than you are to a newborn.  It shocks me that you have been here for so long, but then I also can't remember what it was like before you burst on to the scene.

You are still the happiest baby in the world, and even when you wake up a little sad from a nap, your mood changes to pure joy within seconds.  You're so close to crawling, but are still managing to be very, very mobile using every other way possible.  You're not quite sitting unassisted, but I blame all the allergies that affected your tummy, which made it painful to be placed into a sitting position.

Your likes: Jakob the cat has become your favourite thing to watch.  Your face lights up with pure glee whenever he catches your eye, and your whole body does happy convulsions.  You still love Sophie the giraffe, but now usually break her neck to get a squeak out of her, not the gentle ear licks you gave her in the past.  You love going to the park to play on the swings, and it's a perfect day for you if there are other kids to stare at while you swing.  You are a good little eater these days, mashed potatoes being your favourite thing to eat.  This proves you're my kid.  Avocados come a close second, with sweet potatoes coming in third.  You have two bottom teeth, with no others on the horizon.  My favourite new trick that you do is giving mommy kisses, usually wet, and usually right on the lips.

Hanging out, people watching, with Grandad in Yonge/Dundas Square

Your dislikes: Being confined in any form other than being in a stroller moving.  The drama you produce when you are being locked into something you don't want to be locked into is quite hilarious, but luckily you are also easily distracted with shiny new objects.  You are starting to become a mommy's boy, and lately meltdown when not given the option to be in mommy's arms.  Luckily you are such a sweet little friend to have around, that I don't mind being the centre of your attention.

What a wonderful little boy you are becoming!

xoxox
Mummy

Happy Mother's Day to my mom

Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

I was not the first baby to call you Mommy, but I was the last, and therefore it must have been sweeter, and harder, for you to watch all my firsts. Watching me roll for the first time, say your name for the first time, and take those first few steps of freedom, knowing I would be your last child to watch those firsts.

I say this because I now know how special, how intimate, those firsts are for a mom. I understand now what it feels like to not want to put my baby down while he naps, just like you always told me that you never wanted to put me down. I can't imagine how it will feel to have Cillian crawl away from me for the first time, and I now understand how hard it must have been to see me crawl out of the room, my blankie trailing between my legs, as I discovered the adventures of another room, a room away from my mommy.

I'm sorry I was a little jerk sometimes. I'll blame my hormones, but really I can blame you and daddy, because you raised me to give my opinion, stand up for myself, and for that I am forever grateful. I hope you are proud of my integrity, even if it means having to deal with someone who doesn't back down.

Thank you for forgiving me for doing stupid things, but also thank you for teaching me the hard way that sometimes it's hard to forgive people, but we have to forgive and forget. You have never thrown one of my mistakes back in my face, which must be very hard not to do. This builds trust, and you and daddy have taught me that trust is something you earn, something that you respect, and something that you should never take advantage of. Thank you for teaching me this.

As I look down at my little boy, I can't believe you loved me as much as I love him, but I know you did. And that makes me feel like an even bigger jerk. So sorry for all the crap I said or did. ALL of it. If I could take it all back I would, but then how would I have learned all those lessons....

I hope this Mother's Day will be extra special, since it's the first one we will get to share.

Xoxoxox
Your baby girl,
Emily

6 month update

You are six months old today! Half a year has flown by, and I feel like rewinding to the beginning and starting all over again. Every day I spend with you is pure bliss. Every place we visit you make a new friend because your smile is so infectious. Today a lady in the waiting room at the doctor's office said she loved your eyebrows because they always appear to be dancing with excitement. I love it best when you get the least likely people to smile at you, like the previously grumpy stranger walking behind me on the street. I caught you making big smiley faces over my shoulder from your stroller, and I was rewarded with catching grumpy man making funny faces at you. Babies really do bring out the best in people.

Your likes:
Everything. You love life, and everyone in it with your whole little body. I hope your dad and I have a lot to do with that. You still love Sophie the giraffe, your muslin blankets and your life factory teething rings, but really anything we allow you to chew on is fair game these days. Two teeth have sprouted this month, and you love to test then out on daddy's fingers. Luckily you have only tested them out on mommy accidentally a couple times. Ouch. You started rice cereal this month and you love it. We can't wait to slowly introduce you to other foods that we love too.

Your dislikes:
Dairy and soy. Mostly it's how your wee body reacts to them that has you sad and in pain. We only wish we could have figured out sooner that those foods were causing you such distress, but we are happy we now know why you had such tummy problems.

Happy half-birthday buddyboy!!!


Xoxoxox
Mummy

There's a highchair in my dining room

There's a highchair in my dining room, and a big boy sitting in it, and I don't know where the time has gone. Wasn't I just pregnant? Didn't I just give birth? How has half a year  gone by since Cillian and I first locked eyes??? I sound like a broken record, but time is really flying by too fast.

In a couple weeks Cillian will (hopefully) enjoy his first solid food. We are all prepared physically: bowls are purchases and washed, highchair is assembled and in place, cereal has been purchased. It's the mental that is the problem: I know that as soon as he takes his first bite, we will be taking our first step towards weaning.

Yes, I know, I know. These first few months are just an introduction to solids, and his full nutrition is still going to be coming from my milk, but as soon as he starts solids, I'm not his only form of food. I should be excited for this, but I'm actually fearful and weepy.

Introducing food is going to be our chance to show Cillian how to have a healthy relationship with food.  Chris and I don't always have that healthy relationship with food, but Cillian is our little blank slate.  He has so much potential, and we both feel it's so important to teach him through example that food is meant to be enjoyed, but not overindulged.  This might be our most difficult task as parents.  Now that he is watching every single thing that goes into our mouths with fascination, it's time to look at what we are actually putting into our mouths.

Project clean eating starts now.

Changing my point of view

While chatting with my chiropractor today during a treatment, we got on the topic of nighttime feedings.  He is a father of two boys and works at Mount Sinai hospital, the largest birthing hospital in Canada.  He sees a lot of very pregnant ladies, who inevitably complain about sleep problems late in their pregnancies.  We discussed human nature, and how he believes the last month before delivery, when you can't sleep, is your body's way of preparing for all those sleepless nights with a newborn.

Only, you can't prepare for sleepless nights.  No matter how much people try and explain what it's like to get up every two hours to feed a tiny baby, you have no idea how hard it is until it happens.

When Cillian came home from the hospital he wasn't latching on to nurse.  Chris and I would set our alarm for that first week, and every two or three hours we would drag ourselves out of bed, Chris would feed Cillian with a tube and I would pump milk for the next feed.  We would put on CP24, or episodes of New Girl or How I Met You Mother from our PVR.  By the end of the first week we were in and out of bed in about 25 minutes.  I would reset the alarm, and we would get up somewhere between 90 minutes and two hours later and start all over again.  It was hard work, but we worked together and our delirium helped us move from feed to feed.  All of it is a blur.

As the weeks wore on, Cillian started sleeping longer and longer stretches, until he would go down at 7:30pm and sleep until 6:00am.  I was so excited that he was sleeping so well, and I thanked my lucky stars for a baby that loved to sleep as much as I did.  And then the gas pains started, and my amazing sleep turned into me suffering from PTSD from waking up to a baby screaming like he was being tortured.  I began to grow angry that my sleep was being disturbed, I was irritable during my middle of the night nursing sessions, and I started to be resentful towards Chris, since he didn't have boobs and couldn't feed Cillian. This middle of the night anger wasn't helping me fall back asleep after I fed, and I would wake up exhausted.

Something had to give. My sister-in-law Katie lent me Mayim Bialik's fascinating book on attachment parenting and I started reading it during the afternoons while Cillian would nap on me after having a snack.  She basically said that she changed her attitude toward nighttime feeds, and everything changed.  She just decided one day to stop being upset, or angry that your baby needed to eat/be soothed/have their diaper changed in the middle of the night, and instead feel honoured that you created this little life, and they sometimes need help getting through the night.  This might sound hokey to you, but to me it made all the sense in the world, and starting that same night I changed my attitude.  I looked forward to Cillian waking up for his first feed of the night, and instead of harbouring anger, I cuddled him as I got our Boppy pillow ready for a nurse.  Two weeks later, if I wake up in the night and Cillian is still asleep, I secretly hope he wants to wake up to feed so I get to spend some quiet time with him.

The moral of this story? I'm not really sure, but I do hope that Cillian will continue to cry out if he needs me, whether it be in the middle of the day, or in the wee, small hours of the morning.

Happy Friday!

Chris and Cillian tube feeding during Cillian's first week at home.

Five months!

Our big, little boy is five months old today!!!

Again, I cannot believe five months have passed.  If I said that last month you were turning into a little boy, I really, really mean it this month.  You have started to laugh without coaxing now, and you  find it especially funny when I have my hair in a ponytail and it bounces towards you.  Your position of choice is standing on someone's lap, or being held in a sitting position.  Being held cradled is now only for nursing, although you now much prefer lying down to nurse.  Your "excited legs" come out whenever you get to lie on your back, and they really get going when you recognize someone.  You are becoming great at playing by yourself, but you always prefer someone to play with.  This week we tried you on a swing for the first time, and you loved it.  I can see many a park day in our future.

Your likes: Sophie the giraffe is still your number one friend, but Sophie the teething ring, and the Lifefactory teething rings are a close second.  You love being in the Ergo carrier, or in mommy's arms, so you can see everything. You could listen to as many books as we would be willing to read, and you really take the time to study the illustrations, as well as our mouths as we are reading the stories.

Your dislikes: You aren't great at putting yourself to sleep for naps these days, but you have nice, long naps if you are nursed or rocked to sleep at naptime.

Mommy and Daddy just can't believe how big you are getting, and we can't wait to see how much you will grow by the time you turn half a year next month!!! We love you Cillian.

That time I gave up dairy and found a new baby.

So, I've been away for a while. I can give all sorts of excuses of where I've been, but the truth is I've had a screaming baby. It's been tough, I've been exhausted, and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in front of my computer and write anything.

Cillian, starting his St. Pat's cheer early.

My sweet, sweet boy has been having tummy pains.  He would go from the happiest baby in the world, to screaming and withering in pain as soon as I would put him down to sleep.  If I managed to get him to fall asleep, he would wake up shortly afterwards screaming.  His belly was constantly rock hard, he started to fuss and pull as he nursed, and his poops became so explosive we could barely contain them. No one at our house got any sleep, everyone was irritable, and I felt so helpless.  I got used to being woken up every hour or so at night to Cillian screaming in pain, and we tried every trick in the book to try and get rid of his gas.  We burped him for extended periods of time after eating, I changed the way I was nursing, we used exercises to get him to pass the gas.  After an especially bad screaming session one Sunday afternoon (3 hours of screaming in gas pain) we called the after hours clinic at our doctor's office and asked if we could use gripe water, or if they had any other tips.  The only advice they could give us was to wait it out, he would eventually outgrow it, and to make sure we were getting support, because they know it's hard to live in a house where a baby screams.

The problem is that I didn't believe that Cillian was just suffering from colic.  His symptoms didn't seem to fit the bill, especially because he appeared to be screaming in pain.  I would do leg exercises to pump the gas out of him, and even after getting an insane amount of farts out of him, he would still scream in pain.

And then we found blood in his diaper.  It was Oscar Sunday, so we called the after hours on call doctor (Thank you Canada and OHIP) and he said the likely culprit for blood in his diaper was a dairy intolerance.  I was recommended to take all dairy out of my diet and see if his symptoms improved.

Within 48 hours he stopped screaming, his diaper rash went away, and his poops went back to normal. He started sleeping better, and just became an all around happier baby.  We went to see our family doctor, and then a pediatrician the week after we found the blood, and it was confirmed through the elimination diet that he has a diary intolerance that he will likely outgrow by twelve months.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have seriously cleaned up my diet.  You would be shocked to find out how many products contain dairy.  I have chosen to completely eliminate it in any form, so no milk, yogurt, butter or ice cream, but also all the hidden dairy that hides in processed foods too.  The first few days were hard because I didn't realize how much I was relying on cheese and milk to fill me up with fatty protein, so I was pretty starved.  I was so desperate to help Cillian with his gas pains, that I cut out the dairy without any research or proper stocking of my pantry.  Within a few days I found that my body started to feel different, better and slimmer without dairy in it.

So what happens now? The doctor recommended cutting dairy completely out of my system, and Cillian's diet,  until he is eight months old.  If the symptoms don't return, I can add it back into my diet.  They are hopeful he will be able to "stomach" dairy eventually.

The moral of the story? Two weeks into the dairy elimination diet I accidentally ate some cheese.  That night my belly bloated out and was rock hard.  The gas was awful, probably the kind of gas that poor little Cillian has been dealing with for the past few months.  The following day Cillian fussed all day, his poops became looser, and he had a lot of trouble going down for naps.  The proof was in the pudding.

4 months update

Cillian One Month old

Cillian four months old

You are four months old! You are turning into quite a little boy already. You are still the happiest little boy, smiling at everyone you meet. My favourite part of your smile is that your whole face smiles, your eyes too. You are still exclusively breastfeeding and eat 10 times a day, but usually sleep through most of the night.

Your likes: Sophie the giraffe is still your favourite girl, the winkle ball and your life factory teething rings come in close behind. You love playing with your muslin blankets, and you love being worn in a wrap or your Ergo carrier. You love meeting new people, especially new babies and kids.

Dislikes: napping. You fight every nap because there is just so many things to see.

You have now stopped falling asleep in the car and stroller, unless you are very tired. It's sweet to see you taking in the world around you, but we miss having the tool of motion to make you nap. You have started to have baths with mommy instead of in the babytub, and you love water and playing with your bath toys. You could also sit for hours and have books read to you, and you usually squeal along to the words we read.

Yes, you have found your voice in baby squeal form. We love that you are expressing your happy thoughts, but can't wait until you learn another noise.

We are so happy to have you, and every day is a new day to enjoy this great big world with you!

Love,
Mommy

Cillian two days old

Cillian 4 months old

Snow day

Today is a snow day.  It has been steadily snowing since yesterday afternoon, with little chance of stopping until late tonight.  Our plans for today? Watching the snow fall as we snuggle in.  Mommy has some boring chores to do, and coffee to drink.  Also pineapple to eat (best text from Chris today telling me there was fresh pineapple cut up waiting for me) Stay warm everyone!

That sleep thing

I seem to recall a time, before Cillian was born, when I slept. It was sometime before the third trimester of my pregnancy, when I stopped sleeping through the night because I had to pee every hour, and I was so huge that I had to use my bed frame as a crane to roll from one side to the other. This "sleep" thing is still what happens in other people's houses, the ones without babies, right?

We are so lucky to have a good sleeper with Cillian, and when he does wake up to eat in the middle of the night, he always goes back to sleep right away without a fight. The problem is my brain turns on during those nighttime feeds, and I have a hard time falling back asleep myself. I have started to ban myself from my iPhone during feeds because that makes my brain work even harder, and sometimes I find that I am still lying awake a full hour after Cillian has drifted back into a warm, milky dreamland.

I have been up for every single middle of the night feed since Cillian was born. I've never given him a bottle for those night feeds, and after guilting Chris into diaper changes while he was off over Christmas, I've even gone back to letting him sleep through the feeds and the diaper changes. There is nothing righteous or noble about this statement, quite the opposite in fact.  When Cillian first came home he wouldn't latch, so I had to pump 8-12 times a day so he had something to eat.  After three weeks of pumping, I was happy to break up with my pump.  We could have gone the formula route, but I was certain we could teach Cillian to breastfeed (I was right) and formula is just so expensive.  I'm not looking for a medal here, lots of women do it, but frig I'm tired.

So in exchange for Chris having a "daddy night out" a couple weeks ago,  I have traded for him doing a night feed with a bottle of milk I pumped a couple weeks back. Sorry girlfriends, Chris had initially mentioned a trade for a girls night out, but this girl really needs a girls night in. In bed. The cat is even being kicked out for the night. This mama needs some rest.

I really hate to complain/comment on sleep deprivation because I feel so honoured to have Cillian as a son. Cue the eye rolls, I'm sure. I don't really mind waking up in the middle of the night because he's so dang cute, and I love his little milk drunk face as I lift him up to burp him. In general, we both go back to sleep after Chris leaves for work, so I don't really feel like I have it so bad, but I am still so very tired. All the time. I daydream about napping and seriously consider going to bed when Cillian goes down at 7:30pm.

Cillian slept through the night for a few weeks but instead of sleeping too, I stood by his crib assuming he must be dead. Why else would he be sleeping still? I wish I could go back in time and tell past Emily that future Emily said to use this time to catch up on sleep. He's not dead, he's just resting because he's tired too.

I know eventually I will sleep again. I have to, right? Until that time I have been trying to be realistic about my daily life.  I can't do everything around the house, and look after a baby, and try and create healthy meals for myself, and meet people for play dates, and workout, when I barely sleep five hours through the night.  I can't.  So now I have to be choosy with my activities to keep my own sanity, and to be fair to Cillian.  If we are having someone over for a play date, that is all we do all day, I don't even throw on a load of laundry.  Cillian has my full attention all day, and I nap or rest during Cillian's naps. If we have a quiet day at home, just the two of us, I'll spend his naps doing housework.  This method is helping to keep me from becoming rundown and giving Cillian the one on one time he deserves, who cares if my house looks "lived in".

I know it will all get better as he (sob) gets older, and more independent.  That's why I am trying to cherish these moments where I am the only playmate he wants and needs.  Soon he will be off running, one new adventure on the heel of the next, although I hope mommy will be invited along on these adventures too.  For now the tradeoff between sleep and quality time with my son seems pretty fair to me.

But, seriously, I am going to sleep again, right? right? Bueller?

The mommy wars

When I was a nanny for two sweet girls, I would bring them to a few different playgroups every week. The girls had similar colouring to me and everyone assumed they were my kids, so sometimes moms would come up and ask me about their sleeping habits and napping habits, and I would have to let them know that I got off easy during the nights,  because I got to go home and leave the girls with their parents.

In other situations, when the moms wouldn't immediately give me the opportunity to clarify that I was a nanny, I was met with the mommy wars.  Sadly I bet a lot of you mommies know what I'm talking about here.  The bizarre behaviour that is exhibited between a groups of moms in regard to parenting do's and don'ts.  Let me give you an example:

Mom 1: Oh, she takes a bottle and then just goes to sleep on her own?

Nanny Emily: Yes, I just have to put her in the sling and she's out like a light.

Mom 1: My baby will only go to sleep if I nurse her.  But breastfeeding is so important so I don't mind.

Did you catch that catty comment? Not that I want to get nitty gritty about details, but I was actually feeding her a bottle of breast milk.  The mommy in question felt the need to throw that little comment in about breastfeeding as a tactic because she was jealous that her baby wouldn't just fall asleep on her own.

So why do we do it? Why do we spend our time judging each other and making each other feel inferior, when we should be supporting each other as we all fumble through raising our kids?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to hold hands with all the mothers of the world and sing Kumbaya.  The truth of the matter is, just because we have both kids doesn't mean we will get along.  If you were the type of person I hated in high school, chances are you will still annoy me.  What I have learned, though, is just because you might make me want to claw my eyes out when you open your mouth, it doesn't mean you won't give me a great tip on how to raise my kid.  I'll be honest, I will take any kind of advice I can get. If you have advice on how to rid my baby's belly of gas, or how to make him nap when all he wants to do is squeal, I'll take it (seriously...gas tips anyone???) So why is it that we make it so difficult for other mommies out there, when their parenting techniques are basically none of our business?

My guess is it comes down to lack of sleep and feeling completely inferior/out of control in our parenting skills.  You can see it in the eyes of a first time mom who has a kid that is screaming during circle time.  That kid is probably hungry or tired, and the mom was just hoping they could last until the last song.  I've been there, and I am sure most of the other moms have been there too, so why do most of them give angelic looks down to their kid who just happens to be on their best behaviour today, instead of smiles and looks for support to the panicked, stressed mom who is now trying to stuff their kid in a snowsuit and hat, and get to the exit as quickly as possible?

The truth of the matter is, no matter how awful one or two moms are to you, no matter what they might say, or imply, or how many snarky looks you get when you wipe your kid's drool with their sock because you didn't bring a receiving blanket, trying to find support in other parents will help you stumble through this thing called parenthood.  I have met some pretty remarkable people in parks while pushing a swing, and it is nice to find a friend to meet for coffee while our babes are napping in their strollers.  It's worth the one bad experience for all the wonderful new friends you will meet venturing out into the parks, libraries, and playgroups your city has to offer.  Go and use your kid to make a new friend, just remember that they are just as sleep deprived as you, and you both should be fine.

Anyone have an experience with a "mean mom"?

Happy Tuesday!

That time I had a c-section

When I found out I was pregnant, I chose to go through my pregnancy without making too many plans for my labour and delivery.  I was excited for the experience of birthing a child, not excited about the pain involved, and I decided to let myself decide how to manage that pain as it happened.  I don't judge how people bring their babies into the world, and I wanted to be at a hospital, under the care of an Obstetrician.

As Cillian's due date approached, I started to ask my doctor about the process of being induced.  Not because I WANTED to be induced, but so I could prepare myself for the idea of Cillian getting a little help to arrive.  I am a practical person, so I wanted all the information I could get. I felt well prepared.

So when Cillian's due date came and went, I was scheduled in to be induced.  I tried every trick in the book to try and get him to come naturally, but he was just so cozy inside and my induction was scheduled for Wednesday October 10th, 2012.  We arrived to Mt. Sinai at 8am, and by 10am I had been hooked up to monitors and was given the medication to start things rolling.  Chris and I were exhausted from staying up the night before, too excited to sleep, and we settled in for what we thought would be a couple days of labour.  

That afternoon, as I laboured away at home and in hospital, the doctors and nurses seemed concerned about Cillian's movement.  Every time someone came in to check on me, they asked if he was moving and would poke around and move the fetal monitor to see if they could check for better movement.  At 9:30pm, when they were putting in my second epidural because the first failed, the doctor came in and told me that if Cillian didn't start moving within the next five minutes they were going to take him out via c-section.  His heart rate was dipping even lower, movements were minimal, and the decision was made.

That time Cillian had another growth spurt

So, seriously,who taught this kid to roll? And squeal? Squealing takes a lot of energy. And energy comes from calories. And calories come from.....oh wait Cillian's calories come from me. The start of another growth spurt.

Even though he's growing up, he could never forget his "best girl" Sophie!

This growth spurt came a little differently than the last two, and it had me going in to consulate the experts.

That time I had a fever.

Yesterday afternoon, seemingly out of nowhere, I was hit with a fever and chills.  It started with a headache, and before I knew it I was nursing a low grade fever and desperately trying to figure out if I was hot or cold.  I was unbelievably thirsty and my body felt like it was exploding from the inside out.

So, in regards to baby duty, I was out.  I was quickly becoming incoherent, and all I wanted to do was have a hot bath, climb into my pajamas, and get some rest.  The problem? Although I have an amazing husband, Chris had no idea what Cillian's schedule looks like, other than he goes to bed at 7:30pm.

I know this is a common problem with parents.  One parent, usually Mom, is home with the kids and

Cloth diapering

There is a baby somewhere under all these clean diapers....

Like every new mom-to-be, I had a few ideas/opinions about how I would raise my kid.  It's so easy to watch other parents and judge, thinking about the choices they are making and how I would never, ever do those things with my kid.  And then my kid was born and I understood.  Sometimes you just need to do things to keep yourself from going completely insane, and sometimes those things are the exact things that you said you would never, ever do.

So when it came to cloth diapers, one of the ideas I really, really believed in, I had myself

And so it begins

Movement. The ability to roll one's self from back to front, and all the freedom that comes with it. Only, I was hoping it wouldn't happen so fast.

I am probably one of the only parents that is not trying to rush her first born on to the next milestone. After being a nanny for two wonderful girls, I can understand with a better clarity

Three months!

Cillian under a toy mountain.

Dear Cillian,

Wow! You are now three months old.  It's already hard to remember the little, tiny baby that we brought home from the hospital.  You are growing up to be such a sweet, smart little boy and we can't wait to see how your personality comes out as the months go on.

Your likes:
Lying on your back and kicking your legs, nursing in bed,  Sophie the giraffe, your colourful Winkle ball, your mobile and being carried in your new Ergo Baby.

Your dislikes:
Being burped,  going to bed when there are lots of fun people around and wearing a hat.



Happy three month birthday little man!!

Baby Yoga

Cillian and I went to our first mom and baby activity yesterday: Baby Yoga.  Cillian LOVED it and I am glad that I waited until he was three months old to try one out. There is no hiding the fact that my kid is already well traveled, but up until this point he had just been a tag-a-long on mom and dad's adventures.

I first noticed Cillian noticing other kids when

Things I wish I knew: Growth spurts

This adorable little face ate 14 times in 13 hours. 

Growth spurts.  Feeding frenzies.  Wet diapers. Screaming baby.  Tired mommy.

This has been my life since Friday, when Cillian started his growth spurt.  I'm pooped, and wondering when Mary Poppins is going to arrive so mommy can go off and have a glass of wine, please and thank you.

When Cillian was six weeks old

Mom food: chickpea curry

mmmmmm....warm curry on a chilly day.

December was a great month for me. The first week I spent with my parents and Cillian in Boston, the second week we were in Florida and then all of a sudden it was Christmas! This meant that I prepared approximately three meals the entire month, and also slowly slipped back into bad breakfast habits. I prefer to start my day with a big bowl of oatmeal during the winter months, instead I was reaching for sugary cereals and toast with jam. My energy level was

Flying with a newborn

This bright smile masks the stress: Please don't let MY baby be the one that screams for the whole flight.

As many of you know, my job before becoming a mommy was as a flight attendant.  So it should come as no surprise that Cillian was up in an airplane when he was only eight weeks old.  One thing that might surprise you, is that Cillian's first flight was with me.  Only me.  I made the insane decision to travel alone, transborder, with an eight week old baby.

I use the term "insane" very loosely, because it actually was insanely smooth.  Cillian was a perfect angel throughout the entire trip, even during the long line at customs.  I'll be honest, I was so stressed the day before the trip that I considered cancelling the

12 weeks in

Reindeer baby!!

So I am here to tell all new moms out there that it gets better.  Sleep gets better.  Stress levels go down. Breastfeeding becomes easy.  Naps become predictable and longer.  Crying, both yours and the baby's, dwindles off. Your body starts to feel normal again.

Twelve weeks ago yesterday Cillian arrived, via emergency c-section.  I clearly remember bringing him home after three long, sleep-deprived nights at the hospital.  We walked in the door after the most stressful car ride of our lives, greeted our lonely cat and put baby Cillian into a swaddle blanket in his crib.  We climbed into bed because everyone told us to sleep when the baby sleeps but then the thought hit me that if I was sleeping, who would be looking after this little tiny human??

2012: reflections of a year past.

So, here we are. 2012 has finally come to an end and, like every year, we all hope 2013 will be bigger and brighter.

2012 was quite a year. After trying to get pregnant for the last three months of 2011, we were elated that January 2012 was the month that little Cillian decided to start growing inside me. This meant that I was pregnant for 10 of the 12 months of 2012. I loved being pregnant. I loved every ache and pain. I loved watching myself get bigger, and bigger and then even bigger than I thought my little body could handle. I loved feeling the first little flip of a 18 week old fetus while I was on a layover in St. John's, Newfoundland.  I loved feeling the even bigger movements that came when the poor little guy was running out of space.  I loved finding out he was going to be a boy, and I loved the process of picking out his name and falling in love with the little man who would soon burst into our little family.